The lonely phase

Jeez this is one of the hard topics that I didn’t want to write about.

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I was burnt out. I was tired and my emotions were getting the best of me.  This gnawing feeling of loneliness, despair, defeat, and disappointment just came crashing down on me.  For some reason those emotions were raw. I can’t really describe how I felt but it was not good at all.  I wanted to burst out crying right there at work. I wanted to scream. I wanted to throw things. I wanted to shout.  I tried talking to a close friend of mines about it and it didn’t work.

Have you ever felt like that you couldn’t talk to anyone? You feel like you’re just alone in your own muck? You feel like no one can help you.  You feel like if you do tell somebody then they wouldn’t understand.  That’s what I’m going through right now. You can talk to all the people you want too. Your mom, dad, siblings, friends, co workers but nothing seems to help. Let me just break it down.

 

Loneliness: Right now I feel like I’m not heard or seen at my job or just period. I feel like no matter how hard I tr.  How I help people my deeds will continue to be unnoticed.  I feel like when I do try to talk to someone about what’s going on with me; I end up talking to the other person about what they are going through. I try to encourage them because that’s the Christian thing to do right?  I have all these people around me but no one to talk too.

 

Despair: I had to look up that definition and it states” lose or be without hope”.  I had to really think about that . When I really did I think that I have lost a bit of hope. I feel like I’ve lost all hope in a lot of things especially when it comes to me moving on. I feel like I lost hope within myself.

 

Defeat: I feel like I’ve been defeated. I feel like no matter how hard I try I will always feel defeated when it comes to my career, relationships, and my personal life all together. I feel like I’ve let myself down. I feel like I would’ve done so many things to make my life better. I’ve made horrible choices when it comes to making decisions that includes financial, picking the wrong guys and commitment to things to I started but never finished.

 

Disappointment:  I think overall I am disappointed because I know that the decisions that I decided to make through out my life made me feel this way. I am embarrassed at where I am in life right now.  I’m still living with my mom working a shitty job that doesn’t pay well. I don’t have a boyfriend. Then I start to think well maybe I’m not pretty enough? Maybe I’m not nice enough? Maybe I have don’t date her she’s a loser stamped on my forehead?

I know some of you may read this and say “Sheesh girl quit complaining, we get it you’re sad”! “Who cares I’m messed up too”!  That’s all true but sometimes I just need to vent. I need to put emotions out there to let myself know that “Hey you are human, it’s okay to feel this way”!  This phase is not a good phase and it’s all about me taking baby steps in order for me to get through this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Why I blog

I love to write period.  You can ask friends and my family “What’s Charmaine favorite pass time”? It’s going to be cracking jokes, eating, shopping and most of all blogging. I’ve come a long way when it comes to my blog. I remember when I first started my commitment seven years ago. I was trying to find my niche in life. I was crowned radio broadcasting queen in college but what a lot of people didn’t know was how much I really love to write. It’s therapeutic to me.  When I have a hard time expressing myself I do it through writing.

Charmaine’s World is my niche that took me years to find. I’ve always wanted to be able to tell people how I feel about different topics that most people don’t speak about. I say things that people wouldn’t dare to say. I’m doing this blog so one day I’ll be able to sum all these blogs into a book. I want to teach people that your life is just a wonderful long journey. It has its ups and downs. You’re going to have really good days and challenging days.  All you have to do is put your trust in God and he will surely direct you in the right path.

This blog is for my post graduate alumni from the ages of 21-40 years old. You’re trying to find your way in the world. Perhaps you’re single like me. (I’m very single my phone is dryer than the Sahara desert chile!) I have no children just two nieces and hopefully a nephew on the way. You’re figuring out life right now where you fit in, changing careers or whatever it may be.  Maybe you’re settled and married and you’re doing the same thing. Or maybe you’re just trying to figure out life in general. It’s all good we’re all in the same boat!

Find out what your niche is. Is it drawing? Singing? Yoga? Cooking? Find your niche!

Be Great my friend!

So you’ve been rejected what’s next?

Last Friday I received my fourth j-school rejection letter.  For the past couple of years I have been striving to get my master’s degree.  I took the chance and started to fill out applications..  Three of them I  was straight up rejected. I mean the emails bounced back and was like “It’s a no for us dog”! I got wait listed with the last one and then I got rejected.

Let’s be real rejection sucks. No one likes rejection. If it’s for school, a job or when you let your crush know how you feel about them and they’re like.

“Hey you’re cool but I don’t like you in that matter sorry”!

You’re like dang it’s like that? Am I ugly or something? Do I need to fix my breath? What is it? Am I not qualified for the job? Am I not smart enough to get into this school?   So when I saw the email:

Dear Charmaine Hudson,

We regret to inform you.

I just sat there in my chair at work. I read over the email and deleted it . Then I told my brother from another mother what happened.  Later on that afternoon, I was sitting in a staff meeting and I wanted cry. I wanted to burst out crying right there in the middle of talking about patient care.  I called my dad when I left work and we talked about it and he was like

THEY ARE GOING TO WISH THEY ACCEPTED YOU”! You know typical things that your parents would say. I felt a little better but I was really trying to figure out what’s next for me? What do I do?

Have you ever been dreaming about something that you wanted so badly? You were excited about it. You could taste it. Then your dreams are shattered when that “thing” you wanted so badly rejects you. I felt as if my dreams of living in NYC were shattered. No matter how hard I tried to work at it I was being denied. It’s like.  “Nope sorry, stay in H-Town”! Lord knows I love the lone star state. The place where you “swang and bang”. The city where it’s hot eleven months out of the year.  Where multi-platinum artist like Drake claims Houston as his home.  I just feel like it’s time for me to explore other options.

Whoever is reading this and you’ve been rejected by that “job” or “admissions”, do not fret I know what you are going through.  I had to sit down and really think about what do I need to do? What is my next move? Do I fill out other applications and possibly receive yet another rejection? Or do I just figure out plan B?

Yes Plan B.

Plan B isn’t that bad.  If you don’t have a plan B then I suggest that you try to come up with one.  My thing was I already work as a journalist for a magazine. My work is being published. I am seriously working on my blog now, so what is the problem?    When I really thought about it I knew that it wasn’t my time yet. Timing is everything my friend!

It’s funny because my brother  from another mother  was like “ Maybe you weren’t meant to go to school right now. Have you ever thought that maybe that’s your safe haven”?What are you passionate about”? “What does your soul tell you?

I swear it hit me like a ton of bricks.  My parents have always pushed education on us. There are people in my family that have their doctrine degrees and I was trying to follow in their footsteps. Maybe that’s not what I’m supposed to be doing at this moment. I wrote out what I really wanted to do. Trust me school is in on the list but not my top priority anymore.  I can’t let something like this crush my dreams.  Sometimes, you have to take a step back and figure out what do you need to do.

I just want to encourage you that this is not the end! If at first you don’t succeed try, try, try again!

 

 

 

 

Would you date yourself ?

“Would you date yourself”? I read out loud when I scrolled to a particular Facebook post.  That really made me pick my brain and wonder; if I was guy let’s say his name is Charles, would I want to date Charmaine Raquel Hudson?  I thought in Charles’s smooth deep voice “Yeah I would. She’s pretty, funny, and just perfect”!  I scrolled to the next post and moved on.

Later on the night, I had a not so pleasant dream about a guy I was trying to date.  He wasn’t feeling me at all!  I was trying to do everything to get him to like me and it wouldn’t work.  I woke up disturbed.  I was trying to figure out what did that dream mean?  I’m not a bad person.  I’m actually really nice. The few guys that I have dated  all turned out to be jerks.   I did my best to get these guys to like me. Was I the problem?  Was I too mean towards ole dude from the gym?  The guy before that I use to literally chauffeur around because he got into a horrible car accident.  He lost his job and he just fell on bad times.  I liked him at first but he ended up being  jack ass of the century.    You know the usual that people go through.

I decided that I was going to make a list about myself.  I had the Pros and Cons of Charmaine Raquel Hudson: Date able or Nah?

Here are the Pros:drum roll!

  1. I love Jesus!
  2. Loyal
  3. Happy about 90% of the time
  4. Nice to a certain extent (don’t take advantage of me)
  5. Fun
  6. Open to new things (adventurous to a certain extent don’t go crazy on me like mountain climbing or bungee jumping  not cool!)
  7. I LOVE to EAT! (love trying new foods, don’t have me try crazy things that’s going to possibly kill us)
  8. Responsible (took a while tho!)
  9. Respectful
  10. Love to travel
  11. Comical (laughter is good for the soul dude try it sometime)
  12. Empathetic
  13. Compassionate
  14. Energetic (85-90% of the time)
  15. Independent (but I am a daddy’s girl so uh..I am spoiled hehe)
  16. Encouraging

Now that we got that out of the way! Let’s go to the Cons: Oh shoot shawty!

  1. Smart/Slick mouth (working on it..sort of)
  2. Can catch a attitude quickly ( and you can catch a fade!)
  3. Think that I am right about EVERYTHING
  4. Stubborn
  5. Can be lazy at times
  6. Cut people off (in a heart beat!)
  7. Can be unforgiving (takes me a long time!)
  8. Stuck up at times
  9. Be turned off easily (if you do something that don’t like make like C. Breezy and deuces)
  10. Facial expressions (they will tell you everything without me opening my mouth)
  11. If I don’t want to be bothered then don’t bother me.

Wow those cons were catching up! I mean I’m being real. Trust keeping one hundred is hard.  We all want to think that we’re perfect human beings. Despite my cons I will still date me! Shoot I would love to be around me.  We all have downfalls that we need to work on. The whole point of dating is compromising, communicating, trust, honesty and laughter. I mean it’s been a long, long, long, long, long (in my Gina voice) time since I dated someone. So, hey I’m down! But come correct though or you will be dismissed! Check out #2,9 and 10 again. Ha ha ha ha… no seriously.

 

 

What is happening to our people? Organ trafficking Myth or Fact?

Something is strange going on in the black community. It is to my knowledge that lots of our brothers and sisters have been “disappearing”.  There was the case of the missing african american girls in D.C. and they were “found”.  Supposedly they were run aways and I didn’t believe that at all.

I started to do my research and came across organ trafficking.  That sparked something inside of me and I had to think back on Kendrick Johnson; the Georgia teenager found dead wrapped in a gym mat.   The surveillance shows him in the gym playing basketball but not the cause of death.  When his body is given to his parents it turns out his body was stuffed with news papers.

Micheal Brown was shot in the middle of the street in broad day light.  When his mother came to the scene she was not able to go near her son’s body.  They literally kept her from her son for hours until after the autopsy was done.

Sandra Bland was driving to Prairie View  Texas and she was pulled over by a policeman. She goes to jail and they find her body hanging from the ceiling.

Kenneka Jenkins is the latest mystery murder of all time.  The nineteen year old was at a hotel party and mysteriously found dead in the freezer with her top off. Once again, it shows that she was by herself you can clearly see that she was under the influence of something. She walks into the kitchen but it didn’t show her walk into the freezer.

The list goes on.

What all these young brother and sisters have in common is we really don’t know the real cause of their death and their parents were reframe from seeing their bodies after the fact. Some for days at a time.  That makes no sense.  What gives them the right to keep the body when the mother carried that child for nine months and raised them?

Why is that Kendrick’s body was stuffed with news paper and NO ONE knows anything?  Get out of here!  Why is that when a African-American person dies it’s not as bad as if someone else died? I get sick to my stomach when people say “Get over it”. ‘Things happen”. or my favorite. “They were at the wrong place at the wrong time”. I mean is there really such at being at the wrong place at the wrong time?

Trevon Martin was where he was supposed to be right? What’s wrong with walking to the store and getting snacks?  Kendrick Johnson was at school, that’s supposed to be a safe haven for your child.  Sandra Bland was taking the next step in her life driving to her new job.  Tamir Rice was just playing on the playground. Where children supposed to be.  Little boys have been playing with toy guns for a long time.  Keeneka was just being a typical nineteen year old.  Have we not done things at that age before?

I mean the list goes on and on. I can tell you right now these stories do not add up.

According to black america web 75, 000 black women and girls are missing across the country; where as 1.5 million african american males are missing.  Where are our people disappearing too?  And why isn’t the media putting this out for people to know about this? Why is that certain people get put on the back burner when it comes to things like this?

People have been taking African-American organs since slavery.  Word on the street is our organs are better. Especially younger people.

So is it a myth or fact?

Obviously it’s the truth because why would you stuff a body with news papers? Why keep that body for a long time?  Unless you are an organ donor then it stays in your body. When your body is autopsied the organs go back into your body.   That let’s me believe that their organs have been taken and sold illegally.   These good organs are being donated to the elite that can afford it. Not for the average joe.

Call me a conspiracy theorist but these people who have been gone missing will never be found. You know why? because they were set up in organ trafficking that’s why.  It would be a miracle if all of these people were found.  They were alive and well.  It would be nice to know that these people weren’t dead.   That’s not the case though.  It’s time to open our eyes and see the big picture.  These people need to be stopped and we need to take care of our people.

 

C is for Chill S is for Space Pt.3

Here we are part three, the final chapter.

So I told you how we met.  How this dude was doing the most! How he stood me up.  Oh you know what? Did I failed to mention that he had a eleven month old son?  Yes he does! He told me this on Sunday.  That’s when I saw another red flag. I asked him if he was still with his girlfriend and he told me no. He told me that they broke up because she cheated on him.  Right! I know there are lots of people my age that have children.  I didn’t want any drama and I didn’t believe him anyway.

Wednesday comes and ole dude decides that he finally wants to call me.  Too late bro! So I tell him no, I’m at work call you on my lunch. I call him on my lunch break and he doesn’t answer.  At that point I’m like who cares. We are not together and he’s doing it on purpose. So he tries to get me to call him back and I tell him no.

After all that texting last night my fingers are tired. I can’t wait to tell him at church that I don’t want to talk to him anymore.  I mean I feel excitement running through my veins because in the past when I didn’t like someone, I would still tolerate them. I would try to see the good in that person but this time I wasn’t going to back down.

Church service started at seven o clock that evening and I’m just having a good time.   Eventually he showed up and he looked nice and he smelled good. Nice hair cut. A chain with a cross around his neck. I was thinking really that’s how it’s going to be?

Not tonight Satan!   that’s just like him trying to deceive you. Did I think about changing my mind? Nope I stuck to what I was going to say.  I was hoping that he didn’t show up but I knew that I had to turn him down face to face.

Church was great.  My pastor was on point and he had a wonderful message too.  I’m sitting there and asking God to give me the courage to turn him down in a nice way.   It was weird because the night before I was awakened out of my sleep and a still voice told me. “It’s going to be worth the wait, trust me “.   So, that let me know that I must continue to wait for him to bless me with a wonderful man.

He walked me to my car and I tell him.

“You know I think it’ll be best that we just continue to be friends”.

He looked at me as if he didn’t hear me.   “What”?

“I said, I think it’ll be best that we just continue to be friends, I don’t think it’s wise for us to date”.

The look he gave me was as if he was upset.  Like a hard glare.

“That’s disappointing”. He looked away.

I just stare at him and tell him about how I was told to wait. I figured he thought that  I was lying.  He was just leaning on my car. Like dude get off my car.  And I he proceeded to say.

“Can I kiss you”?

“NO”! I almost yelled in the parking lot. “You can not kiss me, we don’t know each other and you stood me up last night”.

“I didn’t stand you up”. He looked me in the eye and told me a bold face lie.

“Boy bye, yes you did, you didn’t meet me last night. That told me that you weren’t interested”.

“That is not true. I told you my sister had my car.  I didn’t want to call you and tell you that I needed a ride”.

He thinks I’m stupid right?

“That’s why you don’t want to be with me because I supposedly stood you up”?

“Look I’m not going there with you and that was yesterday”.

“So you’re telling me we can not be together”?

“Nope we can’t. We can dab it up, fist pound, go grab a beer and hang out. So did you enjoy church”?

See how I did that? Smooth right?  He just looked at me again. Who does he think he is?

“Yes I enjoyed church”.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it, if you wanna come back let me know”.  He looks at me as if I’m crazy and I want to laugh.

I am sure that he’s going crazy right now.  He thought that all those extra complements was going to get me to like him. He was calling me all of the time and trying to video chat with me. That was too much.  Oh well it is what it is.   We say goodbye and I get in my car.  As I exit the parking lot I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I feel free.  And the journey continues.

 

 

 

 

 

 

C is for Chill S is for Space Pt.2

Well I was going to make this into a series but it turns out that it wasn’t even close to that!  I’m going to do three parts.  As a matter of fact, I ended it last night.   This only lasted for a week  .. a WHOLE WEEK.  I mean who does that?  Has my life really come to this?  Or maybe men aren’t respectful any more?  Yeah that’s it! Well, let me skip to Tuesday.

So, I decided that I wanted to go to church on Wednesday.  We’re texting back and forth and I told him. “Hey you know what let’s meet this evening and grab a bite to eat after my spinning class”. Dude proceeds to tell me something sexually explicit. Y’all know what I mean. I chuckle and was like.  “Yeah okay but for real let’s meet up”!  He was like. “Okay, where”?  So we agree on destination and I am thinking okay maybe this is going to be cool.  Maybe he’s a nice guy.

So I’m tortured through spinning class but I worked up an appetite. I leave out of class and I called him..no answer.

All right cool.

I texted him too and told him that I was trying to get in touch with him. No response. Ookayyyy.  That’s cool also.   So around 8:20 I whip my car around and I stop and get me something to eat. I go home so I can catch American Horror Story. Let’s pause because I know some of y’all have some questions.

Did I call or text him again? Nope.

Did I go to the restaurant to meet him? Nope, something told me to stay in the gym parking lot until almost 8:30 then I decided to leave.

Let’s move on.

I get home strip down and lay in my bed and eat my food.  I don’t get a phone call or a text from him until a hour later.  Yeah that’s right. This fool sends me a text saying that he’s sorry and on his way.  I look at the phone and I said.

“On the way where, I’m at home”!

“Well, I’m getting gas right now”.

“Okay good for you but I’m not meeting you I’m in the bed”.

“Well my sister had my car”.

Skirtt! Hold up!  His sister? He told me he lived with his uncle and aunt.

“Okay, you said you live with your uncle and aunt”?

“Yeah and my cousin had to use my car”.

Hold it, hold it, hold it! (In my NeNe voice)  Cousin, sister? Oh okay I see where this is going.

“Can I come over to see you”?

“Naw, you can’t I’m in bed . But hold up, I thought you lived with your aunt and uncle”?

“Yes I do, I live with them and sister, cousin, you know first cousin”?

I burst out laughing because dude sound ridiculous.  I noticed that he’s not man enough to pick up the phone and talk to me.  I’m trying to watch the show and he’s interrupting it! Dang it!

“Well whatever why didn’t you just pick up the phone and call me”. (hint-hint) If you don’t communicate with me then obviously you’re not interested or you’re hiding something”.

Crickets. No text for about ten minutes.

“Well I thought that we could still meet up that’s why”.

Ugh.. boy..bye!

“How can I make it up to you”? He texted me back.

“You like me right, then figure it out”.

“Ok I’ll take you to restaurant, we eat, I kiss you the whole time WALLAH”!

GROSS!  Naw Playa, it aint gonna work out that way!

“LOL well, I’m going to church tomorrow so how about you join me”?

“I will join you but will we eat dinner together afterwards”?

I didn’t text him until my show was over.

“If the spirit allows me to then we will”.

“Ok will pray for you”.

HAHAHA. Your manipulating prayers won’t work on me!

“The service starts at 7 I’ll send you the info good night”.

“Good night angel”.

I looked at the text roll my eyes and proceed to lurk on Instagram for a while before going to bed.

Stay tuned for part three!