Jeez this is one of the hard topics that I didn’t want to write about.
Yesterday was a hard day for me. I was burnt out. I was tired and my emotions were getting the best of me. This gnawing feeling of loneliness, despair, defeat, and disappointment just came crashing down on me. For some reason those emotions were raw. I can’t really describe how I felt but it was not good at all. I wanted to burst out crying right there at work. I wanted to scream. I wanted to throw things. I wanted to shout. I tried talking to a close friend of mines about it and it didn’t work.
Have you ever felt like that you couldn’t talk to anyone? You feel like you’re just alone in your own muck? You feel like no one can help you. You feel like if you do tell somebody then they wouldn’t understand. That’s what I’m going through right now. You can talk to all the people you want too. Your mom, dad, siblings, friends, co workers but nothing seems to help. Let me just break it down.
Loneliness: Right now I feel like I’m not heard or seen at my job or just period. I feel like no matter how hard I try. How I help people my deeds will continue to be unnoticed. I feel like when I do try to talk to someone about what’s going on with me; I end up talking to the other person about what they are going through. I try to encourage them because that’s the Christian thing to do right? I have all these people around me but no one to talk too.
Despair: I had to look up that definition and it states” lose or be without hope”. I had to really think about that . When I really did I think that I have lost a bit of hope. I feel like I’ve lost all hope in a lot of things especially when it comes to me moving on. I feel like I lost hope within myself.
Defeat: I feel like I’ve been defeated. When it comes to my career, relationships, and my personal life all together. I feel like I’ve let myself down. I feel like I would’ve done so many things to make my life better. I’ve made horrible choices when it comes to making decisions that includes financial, picking the wrong guys and commitment to things to I started but never finished.
Disappointment: I think overall I am disappointed because I know that the decisions that I decided to make through out my life made me feel this way. I am embarrassed at where I am in life right now. I’m still living with my mom working a shitty job that doesn’t pay well. I don’t have a boyfriend. Then I start to think well maybe I’m not pretty enough? Maybe I’m not nice enough? Maybe I have don’t date her she’s a loser stamped on my forehead?
I know some of you may read this and say “Sheesh girl quit complaining, we get it you’re sad”! “Who cares I’m messed up too”! That’s all true but sometimes I just need to vent. I need to put emotions out there to let myself know that “Hey you are human, it’s okay to feel this way”! This phase is not a good phase and it’s all about me taking baby steps in order for me to get through this.